Get Ready for Bath Free Thursdays!
Is washing your entire body with chemicals and water every day really necessary? Of course not. How often you bathe can vary widely with circumstance. When the mud hut neighborhood bathes once a month, once-a-week woman is Queen Beauphew. Fur Trappers of the Old West bathed twice a year, rain or shine.
In the distant mists of time, when did the ruling culture decide we all Stank? Anti-perspirant/deodorant was invented when? Did we Not Stink before that? The vast majority of human beings who ever lived would have a good laugh at our insistent daily underarm dabbing.
In order that we not smell each other’s natural odors, the Armpit-Chemical Industry began, and now rules the United States. If you stop using Armpit Chemicals, you are considered unwashed lumpen, particularly if you wear the same clothes a phew days. If you Stink, you may or may not be a hobo; but all hobos Stink.
Hobos aren’t as cool as they used to be. The Open Road, Freedom, and Outdoor Living don’t quite compensate for Hunger, Poverty, and Frostbite/Sunburn. When everyone emanated normal Body Odors, a hobo could be just another working man down on his luck. Now lack of Armpit Chemicals constantly announces to the world: “I give up.” Hobos go without food or a home and no one cares, but everyone is disgusted when they go without baths and Armpit Chemicals.
The tragicomic insistence that all poverty is the fault of the Poor Person, turns lack of Armpit Chemicals into a blinking stinking neon light: “loser…loser…loser….”
Note: neither Jesus nor any of his early followers used Armpit Chemicals.
The prime reason people try to “smell good” is to increase their chances of breeding. Now that mankind has bred more than enough, this reason is invalid. We might mask our Stink to make ourselves acceptable to the larger tribe, but even this may be unnecessary. Using wires and satellites, we don’t smell each other when chatting very often.
If everyone in the U.S. skipped showering every other day, or two out of three, think of the savings! Less soap bubbling in our water, less water down the drain, and less energy burned to heat it. We would probably get used to the smell, but if not, so what?
In order to save a bunchillion dollars , Cheap Dude hereby decrees, with no authority whatsoever, that Thursdays are now Bath Free. 100 million skipped showers (half the U.S.,) times 20 gallons (very quick scrubs,)
is two billion gallons. Times 52 weeks = 104 billion gallons of water, plus all that soap and heating $$$. Ultra-conservative estimate.
(If Words Had Meaning Department: All Conservatives would be Conservationists, and the other way around.)
No, we will not be discussing what it would mean to be a “hobosexual,” other than the obvious implication of skipping the pre- and post- shower.
In the ancient Hippie Era, a popular “naughty counterculture” bumper sticker read, “Save water, shower with a friend.” This is wise, though it should be plural, “friends,” if room. Today, in the midst of Depression II, we add to the strategy:
BATH FREE THURSDAYS!
If you live near the mall, go in on Thursday and steal a squirt of cologne from the free samples. Then if you smell like bum, it will be the sweet bum of a post-concert Pop Star.
With fewer baths, this poor water heater could have had a longer, fuller life.
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