A Cheap Dude Christ-mess: How We Don’t:
The Opposite Of Every TV Christmas Special
First off, no dead tree. Which Prince of Peace ordered mass
tree-slaughter? Bigger stump don’t make a bigger saint, either. And fake trees
are blasphemy against the real sacred: live trees. If you must decorate and
display a dead plant, try a silver spray-painted tumbleweed, hung with (also
painted) milk bottle caps and little red-and-white sugar sticks bent like
handicapped-assistance devices. It’s been done. Merry Cheapness.
No twinkly coal-fired house-dressing. The Light of the World is not
brightened by kilowatts. All festive glow is canceled by atmospheric spew.
No wasteful feast. Food orgies for Heavenly Father make Earthly
Mothers sweat and fuss for thankless hours and days. The resulting pile of
dirty dishes, by itself, is reason enough to cancel the whole thing. Screw it,
have a sandwich, left-overs, microwaved burritos, or boiled hot dogs. Everyone
wash your own dish.
No useless gifts. Too Cheap. Sometimes we buy each other something
we were going to buy anyway, like groceries. TV ads showing a beautiful person
being given a shiny car make us laugh--Holy Infant, does that really happen?!
Besides, why not be generous always? As Y'shua the Wise once instructed a rich
dude, “...sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt
have treasure in heaven..." (Luke 18:22, KJV). One day of giving doesn’t
cover the other 364.
No “greeting" cards. We receive nearly none, thankfully,
having sent none for several years. Money spent on pre-decorated cardboard
(another arboreal auschwitz), pre-written palaver, and postage, is not required
to join the Newborn King Fan Club.
No day off work. I volunteer, it’s double-time-and-a-half on
holidays. Yeah I miss the “family get-together,” boo-hoo; I cry all the way to
the bank (the real King of Kings.) I see my goofy tribe often enough. If yours
ain’t close-knit, a holiday won’t make it so; if they are, you don’t need it.
Better to visit at random, less chaotic times.
No cheery prattle. I am not offended when folks wish me a “Merry
Christmas.” I hope they’re not offended when I reply, “Whatever.”
Yule-tide tunes, however, affect me deeply. When choirs sing
“Hosanna,” sleigh-bells rhythmically jingle, and sweet-spirited carols fill the
air, my heart swells with overwhelming emotion, and I must cry out: “Turn that
crap off!”
How does one become so cynically Cheap? At five years old I
discovered there was no Santa, that my parents had “borne false witness”! Over
time it became clear that Christ-mess, as advertised, was an annual blasphemy,
completely backwards. Eventually I decided every day is Holy, even the crappy
ones. Celebrate ‘em all, by Jove!
Every Christ-mess is the best, since I gave up. Apathy is far less
stressful than anger. Let everyone else scurry frantically to spend money they
don’t have.
Thank you for the precious and sacred moments you waste on the
barbaric self-centered yapping of the Cheap Dude. My gift to you all:
permission to be as un-festive, apathetic, and/or unpleasant as you feel this
season; to do as little as possible. When your gang gets hostile, you can
blissfully point out that at least you’re not as bad as the Cheap Dude.
My on-line shopping fave!
"...the great world religions...have become associated with
the causes of the factions, as instruments of propaganda and
self-congratulation....
...religious pantomime is
hardly more today than a sanctimonious exercise for Sunday morning, whereas
business ethics and patriotism stand for the remainder of the week. Such a
monkey-holiness is not what the functioning world requires; rather, a
transmutation of the whole social order is necessary, so that through every
detail and act of secular life the vitalizing image of the universal god-man
who is actually immanent and effective in all of us may be somehow made known
to consciousness."
Joseph Campbell, The Hero
With A Thousand Faces, Bollingen 1949, p. 389
4 comments:
Amen my Brother. Enough of the consumerism. Let us not shop. Instead, let us share in the joy of creation, and our common needs and challenges. Everyday.....
Thank you for reading and commenting, my Red Relative.
It has been suggested by Dudine that my xmas apathy is really an elaborate ruse to cover up the fact that I am a tight-fisted bastard. Teehee. It is indeed easier to take a principled stand against consumerism when yr broke.
Now, let's smoke that wreath!
Have I told you how much I hate you from November to January? Stop trying to spoil other people's fun, CB! Frolic on everyone, Dudine.
Dudine my darling,
I must compliment you on your ability to spread your holiday hate through the year, so that your holiday hate level is indistinguishable from the normal level.
You know every day is Christmas to me, which is why I am always so jolly.
As the lady said, frolic on, everyone.
Post a Comment