Friday, January 31, 2014

Bowling for Soup

If the only part of you that’s “ripped" is your pants, why not try the new “House-Work-Out”? Just as boring as “pumping iron," but without a roomful of grunting jocks. Scrub and scour till you’re dripping sweat and panting. Shake your fists and holler “Boo-ya!” after each chore.

 To complete your macho fa├žade, do it while watching football. The vernacular is clearly based on housekeeping. Players get “put through the wringer” or “clothes-lined” when they try to “thread the needle” (references to primitive clothes-washing, -drying, and -repairing devices). If one team “folds” (what is this laundry obsession?), the winning team “mops up” while the loser may contemplate “cleaning house.”

If two games are on, thank electronic gods for the modern channel-changer and keep flippin’ away from sales propaganda. (Only the well-padded butt-patters can afford a monthly car payment anyhow. And must humans scrape hair off certain body parts? No-no!--every hair should have its chance to grow wild and free!) Use the magic “mute” button when “commercials” mysteriously coincide. Time for a two minute drill, for a dump, or a sandwich!

Afterwards, allow yourself the same satisfaction as if you had rebuilt a carburetor, dressed an elk, or climbed Everest.

Also, it is perfectly OK to watch kids playing, and the “play-offs”, at the same time. Most televised “action" ain’t much: gaily-uniformed freaks walk on/off the field, stand around, huddle, shout gibberish, perform modern dance routines, or simply lie on the ground twitching in jelly-brained agony ‘cause someone “cleaned their clock." Just keep your eyes on the kids until you hear the crowd roar, then watch the ten seconds of play-action from five different angles in slow-motion. Go ahead and twist and shout at “your team,” the kids will enjoy your childish antics as much as you enjoy theirs. (God forbid you shut off the amusement device and actually play ball with them.)

Willingness to clean house and tend brats is more important than the quality of your effort. Your lover’s appreciation will outweigh the disgust at your inattentive incompetence. Don’t make her a widow before her time—give her some freedom, by House-Working Out. “Just do it” you stud!


“Even the best of modern civilization appears to me to exhibit a condition of mankind which neither embodies any worthy ideal nor even possesses the merit of stability.

   …[I]f there is no hope of a large improvement of the condition of the greater part of the human family…I should hail the advent of some kindly comet, which would sweep the whole affair away, as a desirable consummation.”

                    Thomas Huxley, 1825-1895

(Before pre-sliced bread, antibiotics, televised sports, and the internet.)