Angry Farts

Young humans think they know everything. This is not possible, it is the old ones who know everything. (Assuming anyone knows anything.)

Young and old seldom think alike. They see the ball game from opposite directions. Kids are on the pre-game show, half-insane from new hormones, ready to conquer and rule the universe. Bedraggled oldsters are napping, post-game, on the couch, having learned that win, lose, or draw, everybody gets their butt kicked.

Technological leaps have always divided the generations. “Dad, these new 'wheels’ can help drag the yak carcass to the hut more easily.” “Foolish son, your magical discs are too complicated. They disrespect our ancestors and anger the gods. We will drag the yak in the most physically challenging manner possible. It is our way.” The exuberant child respectfully explains: “Dad, that’s idiotic.” The wise patriarch’s thoughtful reply still echoes a timeless truth: “Shut up, son.” (Next time, he’ll try the wheels, and pretend it was his own idea.)

For old humans the young are beautiful but frightening. Every generation thinks the younger one is “messed up,” since they don’t properly respect the (often stupid and backwards) old ways.

Younger folks don’t give much thought to the old, except to marvel at their lameness, and wonder why they are so pissed off all the time.

Old farts have their reasons. To further intergenerational understanding, a public service random memo:

Why Old People Are So Pissed Off All The Time

By One Cheap Getting-Old Dude.

1) We’ve already heard every excuse. We have used most of them ourselves. If we get lousy service, we don’t care why, you just suck.

2) We’re gross. We see mirrors, we know. Inside, we’re still the same delightful moron at 77 as at 17. But damn we got ugly! Young people look, smell, and if eaten probably taste better, than us. Spotty, dried out, wrinkled, saggy, and a bit stinky, we suck.

3) Our time is actually running out. Don’t waste it on fake politeness and trivial stupidities like “paper or plastic.” Our personal apocalypse is imminent; at church the oldest holler the loudest that “these are the last days.” For us they are, regardless. This sucks.

4) Everyone who works for a living ends up in some degree of pain. Some think it shows character to walk around in agony and snap at everyone like a wounded mutt. Others eat pills like candy. If an old person is kind and patient--ever--thank modern pharmaceuticals (or marijuana, “medical” or otherwise.) If they snap your head off, thank the dog-eat-dog system that tricked them into working too hard for too long. Pain sucks. (Note: marijuana should be completely legal, and for angry old people, mandatory.)

5) The poets tell us to “Rage against the dying of the light!” For many of us, the only possible way our pathetic lives can end poetically. Furious spittle-flecked outbursts of profanity can too be poetry. Call it Howl II. Hysterical madness never goes out of fashion. It makes us feel tough, which is important since so few of us are. If you mock our childish tantrums, we may poop our pants, if possible.

6) We don’t care if you can beat the 43rd level of Grand Theft Zelda Strike Halo Doom, or re-boot a megadrive jigabyte interweb doo-hickey. You can’t change your car’s oil or bake a cake “from scratch,” so you suck.

7) Deep down we know that we don’t really know. We never knew. We probably will never know. But no one else knows either. So we resent anyone who pretends to know. Shut up.

Thankfully, wasting public money on endless war is now “patriotism” on which we all must agree. No more spirited debate, public demonstrations, or family brawls, like during the pointless wars of old. Dissenters “don’t support the troops” and are now on a terrorist watch list. Constant propaganda keeps the herd together. Young, old, everybody, let’s all hold hooves and sing “It’s A Small World.”

Also, be grateful that longer, baggier shorts are finally catching on with old men. No generation wants to see your pasty bird-legs, grandpa.

This sick blue marble is hosting an all-ages show. The old folks will always forgive the young for being smarter, stronger, faster, and modern. So the young must forgive the ancient ones for being intentionally ignorant, weak, slow, lazy, and for clinging hard-headed to their old technology.

Why? Because we said so!

%$#@!

The title of this piece begs the question: Is an angry fart possible? Yes. Consider this scenario:

   Confession of his secret love had frightened her. She stood trembling at the door.

   “We can never be together, I hate you,” she barked.

   Shame and rage convulsed his soul so profoundly that instead of decompressing in careful silent puffs, he loudly and angrily farted.

   “That’s right, run away!” he cried. 

   “You smell like a restaurant dumpster!” Her final words, as the door closed behind her, hurt deep, deep down, and he cut loose again, like a kiddie balloon untied and flying crazily around, a massive poot of aimless fury. The funk lingered ever after. Life stank.