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Big Oil Won’t Tell You How, and Hopes No One Will


“Radical Nonsense,” Mutters Wilmore “Tex” Oilstains III, Counting Massive Piles of Imaginary Electronic Money and Lustily Scratching a Massive Buttock--Whose?

Is “global warming” an insidious plot by the Auntie Christ Energy Corporation to get rich and destroy life as we know it? Or the all-powerful Angry Hippie Association fabricating data in hopes of reducing energy industry profits to mere hundreds of millions? It doesn’t matter.

Love or hate massive oil spills and expensive foreign wars, our “civilization” is hooked. Good for the CEO. For the guy counting change for bread and peanut butter, not so good.

Ever get an e-mail calling for a one day gas station boycott? Why? You just have to go another day, they haven’t lost a nickel. Instead, try this certain, foolproof, simple, effective, 100% guaranteed way to save every single cent you’ve been wasting on gas:

STOP DRIVING!

Walk, bike, ride a bus, share rides, all the “green” solutions are valid. Better yet, stay home! Driving costs lots of money, keeps us fat and lazy, and sometimes violently maims or kills us. Ten times as many people were killed by automobilists in 2001 than were killed by terrorists. Why haven’t we declared war on Automobilism? Have the Automobilists Already Won?

Why do we drive everywhere as fast as possible? Are We Stupid? And, How to Stop:

1. There are only two reasons to drive to work. One is for a quick escape when an ex-co-worker shows up with an automatic weapon and a frowny face. The other is for a safe haven during lunch hour, so you can smoke pot or suck cheap booze (or both!) in comfort and safety. Solution: scout a place out back, by the dumpsters, where no boss ever goes because it smells like pee and sour milk. You may have to share your joint or bottle if the janitor shows up, but it’s possible he or she is cool, especially when high.

Car-pooling is not recommended. Don’t you see enough of those back-stabbing jerks at work?

If you ride the bus you can sleep the whole way to work, instead of hunched over the wheel, sphincter clenched, muttering curses, and signaling hate with middle finger. Read a book (often ten cents at the Used Crap Store) or a section of newspaper from the bus stop trash. Or, read the hostility on the faces of nearby drivers--or their terror when the bus suddenly changes lanes without signaling because all the veteran bus drivers have been laid off and replaced at half the salary by desperate humans barely qualified to pilot a Big Wheel, let alone a bus.

One other solution should be obvious. Your boss is an ass, your pay at poverty level, and your work meaningless at best, at worst profoundly evil. Quit, and save!

2. “Running Errands” is the second biggest waste of gasoline in the history of mankind. (NASCAR is number one, freely advertising their pointless high speed circles.) Walk to the grocery, once a week or so. Carry empty cloth cargo bags inside a backpack. The more stuff you carry back, the fewer the trips. Suitcases work too, or big trash bags slung Santa style.

It’s healthy and sane to walk to the corner store for a bag of peanuts. To pay a bank, an oil company, a mechanic, and Cardboard Deodorizer Inc., for the same trip, is sick and crazy.

When you run out of mustard, do without. If there’s nothing in the house for dinner, skip it for once, fatty. Or take another walk. You will survive spaghetti without meatballs, fish without chips, even wabbit stew without cawwots.

Never drive your pet to the “groomer." Walk, or skip it and let your pet’s hair grow the way nature intended. Or sell the pet. More advanced cultures solve the pet grooming and the personal hunger problem at the same time; United Statesians don’t often get hungry enough for this.

Skip all trips to the hardware store by accepting missing doorknobs, sagging porches, and peeling paint as part of the inevitable decay of everything.

Never drop off or pick up “dry cleaning.” Burn everything you own that requires this costly fakery, in a fireplace so the heat’s not wasted. Leave unclaimed what’s already at the “cleaners,” they’ll eventually give it to some poor naked person, who knows it doesn’t really need any type of cleaning,ever.

If you are so lazy and disorganized you cannot avoid a drive, never make it worse by driving all over looking for a good parking place. Park at the first open spot and walk. By law the “handies” get all the good spots anyhow.

3. Vacation at home. “Popular Destinations” charge twice as much for the same plastic crap, the locals all hate you, and the tourist crowds are grumpy because it’s crowded and not as fun as the advertisement. Avoid crowds, disillusion, and retail robbery. Stay home, and save 100% on air fare, rental cars, and all that gas! Close your eyes and imagine yourself anywhere in the universe--Mars, the Lost City of Atlantis, Bisbee--for free!

4. Never visit any one. If they love you, they will forgive you, or spend their own money to visit. If they don’t love you, why visit them anyhow?

5. Trips to pharmacies, liquor stores, and other drug dealers should always be on foot. Never be arrested for DUI by never driving. Use the gas money for more and better herbal/chemical amusements. Or stay home, skip the buzz, and save it all!

6. When you quit driving because you can’t afford to fix the car, keep it as a back-up housing unit. There are worse places to live. (As your poverty deepens, since the job you lost isn’t coming back, there will be trips to places like the Soup Kitchen, the Food Bank, and the Federal Department of Humiliating the Desperate. Run to these places. Your poverty will seldom be doubted when you are sweaty, panting, weak-kneed, and carless.)

7. One circumstance requires driving: medical emergencies. An ambulance will charge $1,000 for a three block ride, part of America’s fair and balanced health care system. Unless your roommate’s head is completely severed in a shaving accident, don’t get ripped off. (Stealing a car is justified here, if you can do it quickly.) Even a 1968 Cadillac that gets two miles per gallon will be cheaper. If your patient seems to be dying and is upset, cheer them up as life slips away: Death means you don’t have to go to work tomorrow, nor pay bills ever again, including the massive credit card debt you ran up trying to stay alive. Sounds like Heaven!

These United States have mutated into freaks and weaklings: it is now considered normal and necessary to own a fossil-fuel-powered personal transportation device. But did George Washington own a car? Did Abraham Lincoln drive every damn where? At no time did our Founding Fathers mention automobiles or Energy Conglomerates. So besides the wasted money, wasted resources, and poisonous wastes, owning and driving a car is clearly un-American.

So stay home, tell Big Oil to lube and shove it, and save!