If I Wanted To Do It Myself, I Wouldn't Have Asked You

The concept is ancient.

“Darling, will you groom the yak?”

“Do it yourself!”

Isn’t an adult supposed to do everything for themselves? Does the so-called “Do It Yourself” movement in the U.S. mean we’re finally grown up?

“DIY”: Rhymes with die, which many folks would rather do than commit labor. “DIY”: not enough time to write or speak the complete phrase, but plenty to re-roof the house.

If you pay someone to do anything, it simply means you are rich. The rich only “do it themselves” as a hobby, and to stay rich. Through history, regular folks always did things themselves. The DIY revival means we’re getting back to normal: too poor to fix every broken whatnot, too cheap to keep furniture and other needless junk “nice.”

However, Cheap Dude did most things himself because he hated to give anyone any money, for any reason.

To be a successful modern do-it-yourself-er, first lower your standards. Does the kitchen floor really need replaced, right now? Heck no! If more linoleum than plywood is showing, forget it. Wow, that was easy!

A roof leak needs attention right away. Easy fix: get up there, in the rain, with a can of black roof goo and a putty knife or whatever. Swab the goo on the roof above the leaky area. Once the leak stops, the excess roof tar on ladder, fascia, front doorknob, water glass, clothing, and hair, doesn’t matter.

A bargain toilet seat is never the “wrong” color; just be grateful the cheek pinching will desist. (Ha ha, a toilet seat “the wrong color.”  Do people not know what they’re used for?)

No matter the project, Doing It Yourself is a matter of sheer determination. First you want It, by pretending It is important. Then you figure out how, by reading at the library and asking people. Then you beg, steal, and borrow the tools and materials. “Flea markets,” “yard sales” and “park ‘n’ swaps,” are piled with used, leftover, and pre-stolen stuff, at great prices.

Next, keep screwing up the project, over and over, until It looks acceptable. Or, until you are so tired of redoing It you don’t care if It looks like the work of a four-year-old. Simple!

Remember, everything in and of your house was designed and manufactured by a human, one way or another. So you as a human can usually figure It out, if you take enough time.

If not, you also have the right, at any time, to take a large hammer, and beat on It. This renders some projects pointless and others irreparable. Cathartic. Failure is always an option.

Procrastination is another. Whenever a reasonable project is suggested, your first response must be “why?” If you can’t talk your way out, say you’ll get to It “as soon as you can.” Try not to laugh.

Everyone’s new self-reliance may have a bonus: gender role redefinition. “Darling, will you make dinner?” “As soon as you get some food, my love.” Answering “do it yourself,” no matter who is asking or answering, has society-altering ramifications.

Once household tasks are evenly distributed, it will be plain that too many people try to do too much, most of which doesn’t mean squat. Quit church, sports (kiddie and pro), TV, and all non-critical driving. Stop trying to do everything, and forget perfect. Then take a deep breath, relax, and pick a project!

%$#@! 

Aftermath of an Epic DIY Failure

The kitchen faucet wasn’t right from the start. It was loose, but it worked. At some point it started leaking. The leak grew until it became like a little freshwater spring, running through the dilapidated trailer, at which point his lazy tenants (his sons) finally noticed it. Cheap stopped the leak, secured the faucet (see blog of 11-13-11), and caulked and duct taped a narrow section of water-damaged counter.

Within a few days the kitchen floor started disintegrating/sinking, due to water damage to the ultra-cheap fake wood floor. No way was Cheap going to replace a section of floor in the dead of winter; instead he cut a piece of old plywood (former shed wall) and placed it strategically and scientifically over the sagging area. In theory he will rip out and replace the floor, someday warm. That, or his lazy tenants will get used to the splintery new kitchen.

 If you look carefully at the sink edge, you may notice that the caulked/duct-taped section is gone. That repair failed, and Cheap eventually broke it the rest of the way off and trashed it. A classic look!