No Need to Breed

Good news. “Romance” is only hormones trying to trick folks into breeding. It seems important, all the time, for almost everyone. But, besides the low price fun, what is the reason for it now?

The world needs no more children. None. It has been “replenished” and then some. No man needs four wives and 23 kids unless he plans to eat some of them. There is no longer a sane reason to make even one baby.

You may or may not find someone you can tolerate—and tolerates you--and live comfortably bored ever after. Long relationships are a combination of perseverance and luck. Adding a baby merely guarantees that a couple will be too busy and poor to ever have fun again. (Also, crying babies add a touch of made-for-TV drama to fights over kitchen duty.)

Call it romance or call it the need to breed, the urge is the same. And in this enlightened modern day, people can do everything they used to do, times ten, without actually breeding. No need to sneak around or feel guilty. Most county clinics pass out the breeding prevention free. Around the world, every night, without any whining brats ruining the mood, indefinitely--praise God and government!

The problem remains of how couples should amuse themselves the rest of the time. Call it romance anyhow, that breeding ritual called “dating.” How cheap can the thrills be got?

The most obvious is all the stuff the couple used to do alone. The inherent eros of “sitting around reading” is highly recommended, and can lead to titillating “sitting and talking.”

Walking begins outside the front door and costs nothing but calories. Wear clothing, especially shoes. Most settlements have a radically socialist “town park” in which to frisk about. The extra-frisky may want to go “all the way”—to the grocery store, and pick up dinner.

Sharing food bonds couples in the one biological imperative more urgent than breeding. Lip-smacking intimacy, stuffing nourishment into pie-holes together, may be the real climax of the evening, if one can cook well.

Church is couples friendly, if dull. At home afterwards, pray together nude; the goal is to cry “Oh my God!” at the same time. Amen?

Never attend pro sporting events; local leagues are just as intense, and the snow cones way cheaper. School and community bands’ unprofessional enthusiasm keeps their cacophony entertaining as well. Walk to these venues of course.

All reasons to have children are selfish. No problem, people are supposed to take care of themselves. So if you want a little person to boss around, a mandatory friend who can’t get away from you, a few more farm hands, or just a cute little cuddle-bug, arrange dictatorship of one of the unclaimed, pre-made models. “Adopt” if you insensibly feel you must have a child.

Yes this is good news. Do the deed when you feel the need and consent is decreed; just plan ahead—no need to breed.

While creating his own dirt-cheap "Valentine's Day" card, (in a lame attempt to obtain consent from Dudine,) Cheap Dude wondered where the ubiquitous cartoon "heart" shape came from. He came up with an answer, after thinking "long and hard." Tip: it's not a heart.