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| West of Winslow |
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It’s Hard Work To Simplify Life But It’s Cheaper.
%$#@!
Bed problems began hundreds of
years ago, as people became too delicate, or arrogant, to sleep in dirt with bugs
and other critters. As mankind grew more sensitive and
superior, mattresses were raised off the ground altogether. This provides
space for modern man to store dirty clothes and breed ‘dust bunnies’.
The underside of the mattress has long been a popular hiding
spot for “French postcards,” the women’s underwear pages of the Sears
catalog, and other printed pornography. With the advent of the Interzone, its
only function now is as a place to wipe night-time boogers, for those too
sleepy to get up and blow their nose. (Which is also what pajama pockets are
secretly for.)
A broken weld on this bed’s old “frame” was efficiently
fixed with a stack of books, but the owner wanted something sturdier. After
much careful measuring, a stack of old lumber was sawed and screwed together,
but didn’t fit. On the second try, the perfect fix, pictured above, was
installed. This should hold indefinitely, unless Grandpa and Grandma really get
rockin’ some night. Let us pray for them. Total project cost: zero.
%$#@!
In North America,
life without an electrical food refrigeration device is considered barbaric and
inferior. The rest of the world thinks we are idiots. Such luxury is convenient,
expensive, and an indispensable component of our slow environmental suicide.
In my sons’ run-down trailer is a beat-up refrigerator. A
water leak caused the kitchen floor to sag, which caused the “fridge” to lean
slightly forward, which caused its door to regularly swing open on its own.
Their solution was to prop it shut with a big water bottle. This worked well
for weeks.
I fixed it properly for them, however. Cut two
three-by-three inch squares of scrap plywood, and placed them under the front
corners of the fridge. Now gravity shuts the door as god intended. Total
project cost: zero.
%$#@!
Birth of a word: shart. A “shart”
is when you inadvertently go “number two” (or “drop a deuce” in my sons’ vernacular,)
when all you expected was a little gas. Shart studies show that statistically
this is just as likely to happen while completely clothed.
The world needed such a word. Folks who choose to be
offended by certain mouth sounds don’t know this one. You can use it like a
cuss word and no one flinches. Eat shart and die, full of shart, and shart-head—see?
Completely inoffensive! As in “The battle between races is fake bull-shart, the
real war is the rich versus the rest of us.”
Also a perfect excuse for work tardiness: “Sorry I’m late,
boss, but I had to go home and re-shower, ‘cause on the way to work I sharted.”
They assume you would never tell such an embarrassing lie, and thus never
suspect it was really a roll in the hay, an extra cup of coffee, and several bong
hits. The dumb sharts.
%$#@!
Every
other so-called “first world” nation uses some form of “single payer” health
care system. A large majority of educated people favor it in these retarded
States. No one should be without health care if we are still trying to be the
Greatest Nation Ever.
Instead, it’s all about profit. Replacing compassion with
capitalism helps rich people make lots more money off our accidents and
sickness. They give a portion of their evil gains to congressmen, to make sure extortion
from the ill and injured continues. Best system in the world, and the reason we
are 49th in the world in infant mortality, while paying the most per
capita. Cuba is 40th. (Afghanistan is dead last, 222nd; America’s
road to hell is paved with good intentions.) (Statistics from our beloved KGB,
oops I mean CIA.)
The fact that a common and successful system is never
seriously considered by our “leaders” is a tribute to our corporate masters’
control of the dialogue. Our propaganda machine is the most efficient in
history. Nice to be number one in something besides our war budget! Greatest
Nation Ever!
%$#@!
Life Is A Giant Amusement Park But Most Of The Rides Suck.
Also, the good rides cost more, and the best have long lines of unhappy people,
sweating and waiting for their chance while the kids bawl.
%$#@!
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| From one of the pullouts at "Petrified Forest National Park," I forget which. |
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THE SECRET NEWS
By George Carlin
(News ticker sound effect)
ANNOUNCER: (whispering)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the Secret
News.
(News ticker gets louder)
ANNOUNCER: Shhhhh!
(Ticker lowers)
ANNOUNCER:
Here is the Secret News:
All people are afraid.
No one knows what they’re doing.
Everything is getting worse.
Some people deserve to die.
Your money is worthless.
No one is properly dressed.
At least one of your children will disappoint you.
The system is rigged.
Your house will never be completely clean.
All teachers are incompetent.
There are people who really dislike you.
Nothing is as good as it seems.
Things don’t last.
No one is paying attention.
The country is dying.
God doesn’t care.
Shhhhh.
(from “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” Hyperion, New York, 2004.)
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