Winter Hovel and Dirt Patch Maintenance
First get warm, by any means. Move around, work if
necessary, duct-tape the cracked window, replace a faucet washer, split some
wood, do the dishes or something.
Winter gardening: Don’t, it’s winter you idiot! Throw
dead leaves in the garden, maybe take a few dumps in there too. Which should be
“give” dumps. To Mother. Earth, ninny.
Winter survival do’s and do not’s: [‘don’t’s’ don’t
work, do they.]
Do: stay in bed a lot, sleep too much, and goof off in
general.
Don’t: wear “flip-flops” or sandals in snow deeper than
two inches.
Do: call in sick from work, watch old movies, and drink
alcoholically.
Don’t: sunbathe nude. It is technically possible for
men’s parts to be simultaneously sunburned and frostbitten, thus rendered
useless for anything else.
Do: wear lots of warm clothes made in warm countries.
Forget fashion, stay warm, wear everything you’ve got if you have to, the
raggedy underneath the newer. Plaid, stripes, polka-dots, put them on.
Don’t: go to the beach. No tan hotties, only pale
fishermen in raincoats braving icy sea spray. Don’t join a “polar bear club”
unless you want your frosticles painfully tested.
Do: move closer to the equator.
Don’t: move closer to the Arctic.
In our modern world we no longer need to stockpile
firewood and potatoes to get us through the winter. Insanely, you can get any
season’s fruit any time, thanks to the black juice of ancient forests. Dams,
coal fires, and nuclear enucleation have replaced firewood and cow dung scavenging
in the U. S., also insanely.
Instead, we can spend all winter making sweet love to
all our electronics. New show idea: “America’s Idle.” 100 million lazy citizens
on sofas before the magic box, eating chips, or staring, slack-jawed. A puckered
mug scowls at them from the TV: “You all suck!”
In closing, Words of Wisdom for the Youth of Today:
Shut up and do the dishes.
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