From the Pages of Dilapidated Trailer Life:

This Season, Boil Stuff to Keep Warm

Hullo, peeps. Let’s drag our tired behinds into the cheap-arse kitchen again.

Have you got the “holiday blues?” Better get over it, no one cares, they’re broke too. Credit cards are maxed out, no credit limit left for buying crap no one needs anyhow. Quit crying and get to work, do the dishes, or something. Does anyone ever clean this nasty-arse counter?

The crew is worn out, the maid and butler are gone for good, and your host is too whupped to bother with niceties. Those who try to “do” a holiday, get their arses kicked every season. The holiday “does” them. Pile the dirtiest dishes next to the sink, the rest shove over, we don’t need much room and it’s not as dirty in this corner….

It’s cold in the northern hemisphere of earth, let’s boil stuff. We’re talking about warm nourishment for pennies a meal. Stuff you can boil then eat at 

once:

Potatoes: the smaller you cut ‘em the quicker they cook. If you want to warm the house, throw ‘em in whole. Don’t wash ‘em, it’s only dirt. Boil ‘em as much or as little as you want. Eat the skin. Add salt and pepper, use the little packets from the local ground, flattened, and fried industrial bovine flesh vendor. The latter we can’t afford right now.

Rice: 2/1, water to rice. Boil, turn it down, simmer 20 minutes. Eat.

Ramen: Boil. Add the dirt-like flavor crystals. Yuck, but oh well.

Noodles: Boil. Drain. Eat. Add cheese if you can. Kids will eat this every day if you let them.

Eggs: Boil eight minutes. Eat.

Never refuse whatever the old neighbor lady has been growing or canning. Boil and eat all the weird vegetables you get in the food bank box. Way way way cheaper than pre-mixed Booty Cracker boxed whatnot. Never add fake butter to anything, it’s oil and fat and water, ack! Skip the real butter, it costs too much. Old farts would be sad to know how few young humans know such basic wisdom.

Flavor, whether you ‘like’ it or not, no matter; get it, boil it. Water vapor will fog the windows and show the world your only genuine warmth. Plus, hide your complete lack of decorations, gifts, or furniture.