Bag Bottom Dregs

Reduce Crunch Expenditures 22%

Think of it as having the first two chomps pre-masticated. Those hundred jagged pieces at the bottom of the chip bag. Eat them. As Chip Size decreases near the ultimate handful, Chip Density increases, which equals wasted food, and therefore money, if you throw them out back for the birds.

Never, never throw food away. Trashing food is the only Cardinal Sin fully endorsed by Cheap Dude. Feeding stale chips to a cardinal is righteous, however. Also, never let your parents catch you masticating on the Good Furniture.

Sweetened processed grains are eaten by millions of Statesians every morning. Highly popular because mom and dad can sleep in. Hooks ‘em young on refined sugar, a profitable addiction for centuries now. Industrial apples and bananas don’t do as well without the advertising budget. Kids mostly want what the TV tells them to want. (Like adults.)

Save: Buy the brands with the least sugar. The ones that taste like tendered sticks. The kids won’t eat them, so you never have to buy any more. Also, if they leave the last handful in every box, pour all these together, and refuse to buy more until it’s gone. “Stale Chex/Trix/Kix mix is not gross, you’re just not hungry enough.”

Starving the children to force them into eating food they do not “like” may cause them to whine about “child abuse.” But no law says you have to feed them the high dollar Sucrose Crack. Child Protective Services will not come to your door, “We have reports that your children are being forced to eat Store Brand Chaffios, we are here to take them to a home that serves Globalfucht Farms Choco-Apple-Yummy-Crunchy-Blast-Pops.”

A grown Son once remarked that he only liked oatmeal when camping. He may not remember that when backpacking, it was the only thing to eat in the morning. By the third day the fresh fruit was gone, and Cheap Dude refused to carry extra weight and pay extra money for dainties like pancakes and syrup. When you hike all day lugging a pack, type of food no longer matters--quantity is all. In the morning, no one asks what--only when.

Note: Strapping weight to kids' backs and leading them like pack animals all day is not child abuse either--yet.

So buy the Sugar Free Tender Sticks, and stick to it. (In a pinch they can be used as “tinder” to start a fire when camping.) Your pampered brats will get over it, and may even thank you--when they are 43.

Big Horse Brother is watching you, to see if you're going to eat that old cereal, 'cause he's sick of that nasty dry grass.