Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Looking for Lunch in all the Wrong Places

One way the Cheap Dude saves money daily is by not eating. A banana for breakfast, another mid-morning. He figured the money he saved defrayed the cost of the coffee he drank constantly. An addiction was OK as long as you could afford it.

At two he finally rooted through the fridge looking for whatever might “go bad” soon. Lunch Lottery was won by two plastic containers, both dregs from the same meal three days ago. Elk sirloin tips in gravy and vegetables.

Hunting wild game is a pricey hobby, and Cheap D had always been content to bag his edible flesh in cellophane. Cheaper and not such a bloody mess. But after reading about the unnatural nature of modern Industrial Farming, he had to quit eating plastic-wrapped critter. His Cheap Mind began to work.

Hunting season was in progress. Most of the workers took vacation time to hunt every year. Most of these had been hunting for multiple generations, so when they got “drawn” for a hunt by the Department of Wildlife Politics, they by god guns and guts got an animal. Therefore, their huge electric freezers were well stocked with non-industrial meat.

Individuals in each family “put in” for each hunt, and if two family members got drawn, that meant a lot of fresh meat on the way soon. Cheap Dude would buy the old stuff from them to “help” make room. Completely illegal for the hunter to sell his venison, but of course all unenforceable laws are a waste of paperwork. Times are tough all over.

Better Yet: A childless work friend had just murdered a doe on the muzzle loader hunt. (An actual Sportsman, you got one shot only, maybe.) Turns out his freezers were so full he wanted to give away a small “ice chest” of Ground Elk and various cuts. The Free Elk Foundation. Bonanza. Said Dude was doing him a favor. Dude got free non-industrial meat, Sportsman got freezer space and the unmistakable gratification of playing Tribal Headman, doling out meat to a grateful tribesman. Win-win.

Dudine hadn’t cooked “game” in years. Recipes mostly tried to cover up the “gamey” taste, that is, the actual taste of actual (non-industrial) meat. Dude just wanted to burn it over a fire. The end result was the two nearly-empty containers.

He poured the two together, “nuked” a potato which he cut up and tossed in, nuked all that, and ate it with free bread. (A son worked at a small bakery, and was allowed a free loaf each day as partial compensation for “minimum wage.” A full food subsidy considering man can almost live on bread alone--just add peanut butter.)

The irony grew terrible the more he ate: there was no meat left, it was all vegetables. Only a tiny overlooked Elk Nugget at the bottom kept the meal from utter vegetarianism. Oh well. More in the freezer, and Sportsman got drawn for the bow hunt, more on the way. And free lunch in the belly.

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