Impecunious Cuisine:

Peanut Butter Taoist, er, Toast

The Staph of Life

Hello Universe.

Today let’s enter the Impecunious Kitchen. Here, Poverty Poseur shall demonstrate the finest dining possible when penniless.

Uh-oh, no one’s done dishes for a few days. If we just pile a few of these over here...ack, something smells funny...phew, rotten cabbage or what? Hot soapy water for once, clonk tink sponk, slippety slosh on the counter and whippety wipe.

While this pile dries, we’ll pile the less stinky ones here. This worn out broke-down kitchen doesn’t look like the ones on TV somehow. Ah well, to hell with TV; literally, burn it eternally O Lord.

Poverty Poseur now steps up to his small cleared section on the cluttered counter, and begins the day’s cuisine. Peanut Butter Toast, on Artisan Bread. Since this is not TV, all can gather closely around, block all camera angles, jostle and joke, and add wisdom and non sequiturs of a graphic nature. Or, wander off, who cares?

We are toasting with the High Dollar Bread only because the Poseur’s son works at the bakery and gets it free. Two week old bread from the Food Credit Union will nourish rich and poor as well. (Rhetorical Question: If Food Banks fail, will the government “bail them out”?)

Store Brand is our peanut butter today. Again, U. S. peanut butter in the Big Cans will keep you alive just as well, and please don’t feel inferior if you can’t afford Store Brand. Jesus loves you as much as He always did.

Don’t feel bad if you’ve no “electric toaster” either. Bread will undergo the conversion to toast on any stove burner, right quick, with or without a pan. This here toaster’s only a few years old, don’t mind the crumbs goin’ all willy-nilly. Put the bread in and push the lever down. Wow! They’re burning coal near Holbrook to produce electricity, which is sent with many miles of metal wires to this toaster. That would be awesome if it wasn’t so retarded!

Stay with it. You never know when someone has messed with the timer, and your bread will be burned because of some burned-toast-liking madperson.

Ah yes, toasty bread, yum. Put it directly on the counter, don’t waste dead trees or dirty a plate. Poseur first applies a tiny bit of Fake Butter, since it’s mostly water and oil. No Real Butter, it increases his Fart Rate.

Also, he uses his index finger instead of a knife. Why not, it’s pretty clean. You can use your own finger for your toast, obviously. After wiping the Fake Butter onto the toast as best you can, dip into the peanut butter. It is easier to apply the PB evenly with your finger than with a knife, and one less utensil to clean. Same with the Jam, but be sure and lick all the PB off your finger before you stick it in the Jam. No one wants Jam Contamination. Good band name though. That the Jam also gets licked off goes without saying, or should have anyway. Proper germ sharing strengthens immune systems.

Again, don’t dirty a plate or a processed-tree sheet. Use your hands. Mmm, chompety crunch, I could eat this anytime. Now, if someone would please clean the rest of this kitchen, I’ll pay them in golden toast!

One final word before we sign off here at Impecunious. “Code Dates” on packaged food are mostly Malarkey (a real word). There were no code dates on food for at least 200,000 years, until now. If the food smells bad, it is. Canned food’s not bad 'til the can starts expanding. Just cut the mold off cheese or bread. You can eat rotten meat if you boil it long enough. (Note: check the interwebs for rotten meat recipes.)

If you eat bad food and get sick, you will throw up, then feel better, thus making the meal super low in calories. So eat it all, and let your guts sort it out.

Here's a handy way to save money on dead tree sheets. Use the Crap Mart ads.